He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
