Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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