I wish my penis had an off switch
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
