note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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