I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
