I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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