If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
