too bad you live with your parents still
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
