just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
