Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
