She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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