Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
