when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am midnight drunk by noon
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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