The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
