Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We are two peas in an std pod
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
