This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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