on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
