I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need a beard to bite.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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