ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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