P.S. I can't hear my feet
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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