i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
