Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
