some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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