i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
