it hurts more in the daytime
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
