I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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