my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
