Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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