I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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