theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
