I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
