he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
