I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
zippers are such a cool invention
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
