my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
