we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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