You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
