My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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