dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
