she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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