Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
