I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We named our party play list daddy issues
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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