Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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