I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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