I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
