id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
