Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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