3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
