cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
