HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
