Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
