closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Drunk is not a location!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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