I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
