last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
